Writer for hire

Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds - James 1:2 

Whenever people ask me what I do, I tell them I am a writer. I say that even though I have spent the last 17 years working as a writer/editor/web publisher, and even tried my hand at public relations for a bit. The last five years were spent exclusively as an Associate Editor at ESPN, covering motorsports. I wish I was given the opportunity to dabble in other sports, but the chance never presented itself.

Three of us were fully dedicated to the espn.com/jayski domain, with just two of us maintaining the news on a daily basis. We made it through multiple mass layoffs at ESPN, and our site continued to pull in strong page views. We felt confident as we readied for another racing season. But on January 28, ESPN decided to shut down the site. Like many others before me, I now carry the title "Former Editor at ESPN."

Surprisingly, I am looking forward to seeing where this new journey takes me. What will I do? What will I choose to pursue? How long can I make this work? Will my kids be affected? Not even I know yet.

I guess the first step is to break habits. I found myself checking the news last night, saw an item that I generally would have posted, and quickly thought, “How did I miss that?” It occurred to me within seconds that I missed it because I was no longer responsible to be in-the-know and that I spent my day with small tasks like taking my son to get his haircut, cleaning up toys and prepping meals. Usually, those things were done as I jaunted back and forth from the computer. The lack of responsibility is something everyone hopes for. If you have a 9-5 job, usually, you look forward to the weekends. No matter the industry you work in, a break is always nice. But nobody wants to be a part of an unexpected layoff.

My job working on Jayski provided me with so much that could never be replaced. I gained valuable work experience of course, but the biggest, most personal perk, was that I was able to work at home and take care of my kids. That is something I hope to continue for as long as possible. I type this and wonder how. I wonder if things will get tight. I thank God I have my husband and his support. He told me to take my time and not to worry. But that’s what Moms do. That’s what people with dreams do. They wonder how to make them happen.

I always wanted to be a writer. For a while I was. I moved from Ohio to North Carolina in my early 20s, had work published in national magazines and newspapers. I did it. In the years since, I always had that to look back on. I WAS a writer. But I never accomplished my goal of covering baseball. Maybe someday.

During my time as an editor over the last five years, there were only two times that I was able to write for ESPN.com, and both instances fell within the last month. I reached out to our boss just a week ago and expressed my desire to dip my toes into their MLB coverage. I didn’t get a response back. Four days later we were laid off. My dream of covering baseball continues to sit in the back of my mind. Maybe it’s amplified now because of my newfound freedom and the fact that spring training is quickly approaching.

I started this blog in order to write my personal piece on grief to help myself heal. It sat dormant for months with that lone entry. Now, I feel as though this blog may give me the outlet I need to write, and share what I have written - about anything. I don't have to be restricted to racing anymore. That is one truth I have recognized over the last few days. It has been my safety zone of sorts for well over a decade. It is what I know. But I think I am capable of doing more.

Even though I continued to tell people I am a writer, I often didn’t feel like one over the last few years. I spent a lot of time scouring the internet for news, reading other people's words. It wasn’t until I lost my brother last April that I felt motivated to write again.

As I sit at my desk previously set up with a company computer and docking station, I type on my own laptop now in its place. I don’t have any emails, social media updates or websites to check. I don’t have any photos to edit. I do need to put away my kids’ laundry. I’m not sure what else I am going to do today. I have no news to break and no deadlines to meet. It feels strange.

Writer for hire.